No One’s To Blame

Carol A. Hand

I wonder, were your eyes always devoid of light and grace?
I don’t remember seeing past your handsome chiseled face,
Or the golden curls that fell almost to your waist.
Years passed, sometimes so slowly without warmth or desire to embrace.

I used to feel important but now I am alone.
Who can comfort me when my heart feels like a stone?
You seem so lost and trusting – for now I think you’ll do.
I know it won’t be long until I grow tired of you.

Your face is now masked in the pictures that you share
I wonder what feelings and thoughts you hide and will not bare?
I remember clearly your cold stare, eyes without any light
After I helped save you from dying one September night.

I awoke to find a nightmare, I’m a burden you resent
Incapable of anything because of the money I have spent.
I fill my days being busy to escape the growing fear
My life feels so pointless, and I feel my death is near.

Freedom has a price – but I’m willing to pay
For the silence and peace that greets me each day.
You made me feel damaged, ugly and gray,
Yet I really can’t blame you because I decided to stay.

I resent you for your certainty, I’ve followed you so far
Hoping that I could prove to you I really am a star.
But with every passing year I feel a growing dread
Time for me is running out, soon I might be dead.

You maligned me to those who hurt others with glee
The bullies’ compatriot – how could it be
That the one I supported for decades and more
Became a would-be destroyer of the hope that I bore?

There are days I hate the way you care for others more than me
I’m suffering and I’m lonely here but you don’t seem to see.
I know that I embarrass you, it makes me feel such shame.
But I know that I can make it hard for you so you’ll suffer just the same.

I continued to work spinning straw into gold
Despite my deep longing for someone to hold
My work kept me focused on healing the pain
Easing the suffering of others again and again.

I deserve to be treated well, to be seen as an important man
But because you pay all the bills, you treat me badly just because you can
So I’ll make sure to buy whatever I want so you can pay the cost.
I promise you’ll pay dearly for the dignity I’ve lost.

Yet age has a way of leveling the past
Superficial beauty doesn’t usually last.
You mocked my learning and stifled my voice
But I’m free from your envy and what I say is my choice.

I’m grateful to be finally free to travel as I will.
I know the cash I got is pittance, but at least you paid the bill.
I’ll fill my life with other things, masking all my pain.
I’m grateful to be done with you and not see you again.

When I read other’s love stories, I’m not sorry you’re gone
My heart is free to dream and sing its own song.
I hope you fare well as I let go of the past
My future is now in my own hands at last.

Arguments

Photo Credit: Michael Josephson 2012

 

Yet I know we both did our best, imperfect though we are.
I really do wish you well but I’m glad it’s from afar.

Copyright Notice: © Carol A. Hand and carolahand, 2013-2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Carol A. Hand and carolahand with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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About Carol A. Hand

What matters are not the titles I’ve held or university degrees I earned or the size of a house or bank account. It’s really what I’ve learned from ordinary people like me whom I’ve met along the way. They taught me to live with gratitude and give thanks for each new day.
This entry was posted in Memories and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to No One’s To Blame

  1. mandy says:

    This is a very emotional piece, Carol. Though the journey of reaching a place of freedom may be long and difficult, in the end, the price paid will be worth it. Thank you for this profound post today.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carol, this is absolutely excellent.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, fantastic! Very strong and full of deep understanding and compassion.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ShirleyAnn says:

    My dear Carol, the emotion with which you wrote this is still hanging in the air…long after I have finished reading this piece for the 3rd time. Freedom,precious freedom ! Thank You so much for sharing another piece of yourself with all of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. goroyboy says:

    Whoa, wasn’t ready for this one Carol. Truth. Cut deep and reminded me of hurt, struggle and most importantly, healing. Well done .

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jeff Nguyen says:

    The scary part is I could see myself in both points of view. Sometimes, love is best done from a distance. Keep dreaming and singing, Carol.

    Liked by 1 person

    • carolahand says:

      The old saying “hurt people hurt people” seems to hold true. I don’t think healing can take place if we can’t look at how our own hurt blinds us to the harm we also do to others. But healing relationships is a shared responsibility and not everyone is able to go there – sometimes only time and distance is the only real path to peace 🙂

      Like

  7. Shery Alexander Heinis says:

    Powerful and moving!

    Liked by 1 person

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